How are you planning to spend the hour from 10:00AM-11:00AM (PDT)
of Friday 29 July 2005?
For serious and right-thinking folk, there can be only one answer:
"I will be at DefCon, and I plan to devote myself entirely to
That's right: another Coffee War. The excitement is back, the
staff is preparing the materials, and the judges are eager to
determine which hacker's coffee is the best, and (thereby)
which hacker stands steamy head and jittery shoulders above
So alert your senses, and select your beans carefully: many wonders
await those who are called to follow the Way of the Bean.
ATTENTION COFFEE WARRIORS!
Coffee glory awaits to be taken in such abundance as may
never occur again. Reputation and fame enough to establish
an individual for a lifetime, with the prize awarded at the
DefCon closing ceremony.
Coffee Wars VI
Of three pots and two grinders
At a table in the Athena Ballroom
Presents an uncommonly fine opportunity for recognition
of the brew that you personally hold so dear. The Coffee
Wars Staff commands this event, and the sooner you enter
None need apply but motivated contestants, able to bring
8oz (minimum) of eligible coffee beans. Only one entry
per person, please.
Stand at attention, then, and let us read the Articles of Coffee
1. If any staff member, judge, entrant, or other person of the
Coffee War, shall give, offer, or enter decaf, every such
person so offending, and being thereof convicted by the
sentence of the staff, shall be punished with humiliation
NO FREAKING DECAF.
2. All entries, and all coffees whatsoever, that shall come, or
be found, in the Coffee War, to be ground in some manner prior
to entry, whether it be finely or coarsely, shall suffer
WHOLE BEANS ONLY.
3. Every person in the Coffee War, who through cowardice,
negligence, or disaffection, shall in time of action submit
flavored beans, every such person so offending, and being
convicted thereof by the sentence of staff, shall be covered
in mockery and shame.
NO FLAVORED BEANS.
4. No person in the Coffee War shall receive an entry or bean,
grinder, pot, filter, jug of water, or any other supplies
whatsoever, directly or indirectly, without prior arrangement
with the staff at the time when such items are offered up.
WANT TO SEE YOUR STUFF EVER AGAIN? TELL US BEFORE, NOT AFTER.
5. If any person in or near the Coffee War shall ask questions
of the staff or judges, quizzing them with inquisitive requests
for information, opinion, facts, or conjecture, that person
shall, upon being convicted thereof, suffer such punishment
as the offence shall deserve, and the staff shall impose.
NO QUESTIONS, JUST FULLY CAFFIENATED COMBAT.
6. All other crimes not capital committed by any person or
persons in the Coffee War, which are not mentioned in this act,
or for which no punishment is hereby directed to be inflicted,
shall be punished by the laws and customs in such cases used
at Coffee War.
SHRDLU > YOU.
With these points, and with wishes for a spirited and decisive
engagement, we have the honor to be, etc.
The CoffeeWars Staff
The Athena Room, Defcon.
To any dorkwads who think they'll be able to swing by and help
themselves to coffee, or whatever: leave us alone, you dweebs!
Once the judges have judged, and once the remaining brew has
been shared with the contestants and maybe a few other key
personalities, then others can have some. Maybe.
Likewise, the field of battle is often crowded. If you are
planning to enter, it is advisable to let us know (for example,
drop an "e" mail to foofus at foofus dot net) in advance so that
we reserve a pot for you.
Finally, a note on punctuality: we strive to accept all entries,
but it's important that we get yours at the start of the contest,
rather than, say, halfway through it. So, for instance, if you are
on your way to CoffeeWars with your entry, and are crossing the
street, and are caught up in a collision between two vehicles, and
trapped so that the emergency crews have to use the Jaws of Life
to extract you from the twisted metal, do not loiter around until
your whole body is freed from the wreckage: HAND YOUR ENTRY OUT
FIRST. We understand that acts of God may interfere with absolute
promptness, but we can make no guarantees. So if you are late,
and we can't take your coffee, and you get all sad about that,
you are truly a buttmunch. Better just to be on time.
NB: CoffeeWars vi is superior to CoffeeWars emacs.