The original page for 2006

The Coffee Wars VII Call for Beans is announced

The Coffee Wars Results were (finally) announced

CoffeeWars VII: Pre-Con Ranting

Wake up and smell the coffee war, people: DefCon 14 is just around the corner, and that means another edition of the world's best-known hacker coffee competition. Already, the frenzy has begun!

Friday, August 4th. 10:00 AM. Entries can arrive any time after 9:00 AM. Brewing starts at 10 promptly. Coffee Wars usually ends about 11:00 AM.

What could be more fun than the start of DefCon? Starting DefCon with a bloodstream full of psychoactive chemicals, that's what! But which chemicals, and how to get them there? Allow us to offer a suggestion: caffeine is a pretty good one, and coffee is an excellent medium for delivery. OK, we know that's not exactly a novel concept. Moreover, we know that hackers hate inferior solutions (get it?), and so we arrive at a critical question: which coffee is the best?

Good news! We've assembled an enthusiastic team of experts to find the answer. For the seventh year in a row, we will gather at the start of DefCon to conduct CoffeeWars, the craziest and most useful competition of them all. First, we invite coffee-loving hackers to submit their favorite beans for competition. The good stuff: whole beans, unflavored, from your favorite roaster. The contest staff sets up a blind taste test with a standard set of brewing tools and methods, and our esteemed judges sample and rate each brew. We tabulate the results, and the winner is announced at the closing ceremony, with the appropriate degree of glory and spectacle.

Why do we go to such lengths? Why do the judges punish their nervous and renal systems to such a degree? Why do we cart a truckload of supplies to Las Freaking Vegas every summer? Make no mistake: it is all about love. Love of coffee, to be sure, but also love for our fellow hackers. We want to make sure that you have access to trustworthy, impartial information about the things that are important.

We don't want you to spend the whole year wondering where the good coffee is. We don't want you to run the risk of buying horrible inferior coffee. That's why, each and every damn year, we publish all our results in full.

Our process is simple:

            Grind  -->  Brew  -->  Drink  -->  Vote

But our goal is lofty: to discover and honor the coffee that hackers love best. If you visit us, you'll find us hard at work, throwing ourselves headlong into the coffee war. If you bring your beans, we will greet you with respect, and subject them to our rigorous tests. But who knows? Maybe yours will be the batch favored above all others. Victors in prior coffee wars have gone on to become world leaders, prizewinning scientists, and reclusive billionaires. These last assertions are slight exaggerations, but it should nevertheless be clear that having entered coffee wars is a badge of honor, and that winning cannot possibly fail to make you more popular.

Plus, I bet it looks good on the resume, if you're into that kind of thing. Photos of last year's happy winner are now available.

"If kids today chose coffee over methadone, the world would be a far better and more productive place."
-AJ Rez
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